


so is spaghetti until it's wet

by seventhstar



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Misunderstandings, mistaken for straight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 15:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar/pseuds/seventhstar
Summary: "Is Yuuri straight?""Chad?""No, this is Christophe Giacometti.""Oh, Chris, hey. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. What was that about Yuuri?""Phichit, is Yuuri straight?""...okay, I think you're breaking up. It sounded like you wanted to know if Yuuri was straight."





	so is spaghetti until it's wet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ADreamingSongbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/gifts), [dommific](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/gifts).



“How can an internationally known figure skater have no active social media…found it! Makkachin, look! I found some tweets from Yuuri’s friends in Detroit!”

“Woof!”

“And they say he…is straight.”

“Woof.”

“Straight.”

“Woof woof.”

“…I need a moment.”

“…”

“I didn’t even know straight men existed! I thought they were a _myth.”_

“Woof?”

“No, this isn’t working. I need more time to process this. And vodka.”

 

* * *

 

“Yuuri, what do you want me to be to you? A friend?”

“I guess—”

“Or a lover?”

“That’s not really—”

“Or maybe a brother?”

“A what? No!”

“So a father figure, then?”

“I…I have an appointment. For my…my thing. Bye.”

 

* * *

 

“So, Viktor Nikiforov is skating at your rink.”

“And staying at your house.”

“It’s something, Yuuko.”

“It really is, Mari.

“He’s kind of…”  
  
“A great skater, but a little…”

“Weird?”

“Blunt?”

“He asked me if Yuuri was in love with _Minako.”_

“He asked me if Yuuri usually dated older women.”

“Shouldn’t he be asking if Yuuri dates older _men?”_

“Viktor’s only twenty-seven, he’s not that old. Maybe he thinks Yuuri is straight?”

“Straight? My brother? Have you seen the wallet photos?”

“Hey, I got those for him for his birthday! I thought they were cute.”

 

* * *

 

"Is Yuuri straight?"

_"Chad?"_

"No, this is Christophe Giacometti."

"Oh, Chris, hey. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. What was that about Yuuri?"

"Phichit, is Yuuri straight?"

"...okay, I think you're breaking up. It sounded like you wanted to know if _Yuuri_ was straight."

"I do."

"...why?"

"Well—this stays between us?"

"I'll take it to my grave."

"VIktor just called me in absolute hysterics—apparently, even though Yuuri spent the entire banquet at Sochi drunkenly trying to seduce him, when Viktor actually tried to make a pass at him yesterday he said he wasn't into men? Or something like that."

"Wait, I'm sorry, Viktor Nikiforov— _the_ Viktor Nikiforov—tried to have sex with Yuuri, and Yuuri told him he was straight."

"Yes."

"For real?"

"Viktor told me that he met 'the woman Yuuri was in love with' and when he asked Yuuri's sister she confirmed it."

"Oh my god, it's happening again!"

"What?"

"You cannot tell anyone we had this conversation."

"I'll be the very soul of discretion."

"Chris, Yuuri is a Viktor fanboy."

"You mean—"

"I mean everyone on our floor knows he's not straight. Let me put it this way, he has to buy his dakimakura covers of Viktor in triplicate."

"...ah."

"Like half the reason he became a competitive figure skater was to get within dick grabbing distance of Viktor."

"Really? Because according to Viktor, he showed up in Japan naked, and Yuuri ran screaming out of the room."

"He was probably trying to hide his boner. Oh my god. Chris, you don't understand, Yuuri just called me."

"....he doesn't think Viktor is straight, does he?"

"No—"

"Because I can personally confirm he isn't, and also, last week someone tweeted at Viktor to ask what the gayest thing he'd ever seen was and he told them it was 'my face in the mirror every morning'."

"It's even worse than you think. Yuuri called me because Viktor _no homoed_ him."

"He what?"

"He told Yuuri he wanted them to have a brotherly relationship."

"That _idiot."_

"Nah, it's not completely his fault, this has happened before."

"I have to hear this."

"Well, one time Yuuri was at the mall and he was being followed by a Chad—"

"What is a Chad?"

"One of the dudes who fell in love with him. We don't bother remembering their names. Anyways, Sad Chad is following Yuuri around, and Yuuri is totally useless so he goes into a Victoria's Secret to lose him, only it backfires because a salesperson asks him if he needs anything and Yuuri panics and buys the first thing he sees—"

"What was it?"

"A negligee. Peach satin. It fit okay, actually."

"Viktor would love that."

"I bet he would. So Yuuri comes out of the store and Sad Chad? Still there. So he asks Yuuri if the bag is 'for his girlfriend' and Yuuri, again, useless, he just runs away without saying anything. Sad Chad was a mess for days until I finally took pity on him and told him Yuuri would smile at him if he brought him hot chocolate with caramel in it."

"That makes significantly more sense than Viktor's theory that Yuuri was grinding on him in a public place, without his pants, for platonic reasons."

"I'm sorry, he did what now?"

"Didn't he tell you? He drank his body weight in champagne. He poledanced with me. He hung off Viktor all night. We had to practically pour him into bed afterward, and no one could convince him to put his clothes back on."

"Yeah, Yuuri never remembers anything when he's that drunk."

"Nothing?"

"Yup."

"As Viktor's friend, I feel like I should tell him this, but also, as Viktor's friend, I want to revel in his suffering."

"Would it be morally wrong for me to text Yuuri and tell him 'hey, I was just talking to Chris, have you tried putting on that negligee and offering to sit on Viktor's dick?"

"Please. Please do that. Do it now while I go get wine."

"Okay. Okay, I'm doing it. Done. He opened it. No response, though."

"Maybe he took your advice."

"It's never failed him before. Except that one time. And the cops let us go with a warning."

"...I'm going to need to hear the rest of that story."

 

* * *

 

“…wow.”

“Mmm.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Yuuri, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Are you a heterosexual?”

“I…but we just had…no! I mean, I’ve seen you skate in person. How _could_ I be?”


End file.
